week of major ups and downs

Well.....I'm not even sure where to start.

Went through SO much this past weekend, listing all of my losses throughout the years, for my loss graph project for therapy.  I have my final list done, and will work on actually putting it all in graph form this week.  It was just so much for me, I had to stop for a few days.

When I got to listing them, they REALLY started coming out.  Things I hadn't thought about for years, such as living in Shenandoah with my ex's family when I was 23, or my first love, kiss, and broken heart all in one at age 16.  They all really seem like so long ago, but when I was writing the details down, it was amazing how clearly in my head it all was.

So Thursday and Friday were really rough days when I did that.  In the process, I was looking through some scrapbooks to job my memory, and a piece of paper fell out of one.  On it, in Jeremy's calligraphy, was his pet name for me, "baby doll."  As soon as I saw it, my chest literally tightened up, and the tears came with no notice.

So here's the interesting part:  yes, those two days were rough.  In all of this, I'm not focusing on the food or my feelings about food AT ALL.  I'm only dealing with emotions surrounding my losses and my grief from those losses.

So Saturday came, and went.  And Sunday came, and was almost over, when I realized I hadn't purged in a day and a half, hadn't even thought about it.  I mean, WOW.

I'm not going to overanalyze it or even somewhat analyze it.  I'll let my therapist do that for me tomorrow.  I just find it amazing that it felt so automatic to not only not think about the food, but not even consider throwing up for that long.  Definitely a first.  Will be interested to see what Susan says tomorrow.

rough week so far

Well, had a pretty good week last week, despite going over alot in the handbook and in therapy.

This week, however, is a whole nother story.

So yesterday, Mike heard me purging.  I personally didn't think anything of it; I mean, he seemed upset, but I just figured it was because he knew I purged, just had been awhile since he actually heard it.

Nope; turns out he had NEVER heard me purging before yesterday.  It hit him really, really hard, too.  Once I found this out, I felt SO horrible.  As if there wasn't already enough guilt that comes with purging, there was this to deal with.

This week so far has been horrible, with not sleeping, alot of headaches, being exhausted all the time.  And this is the week I get to finally make my loss graph, of all the losses I've had (moves, breakups, jobs, relationships) everything that's happened over the course of my entire life.

In a way, I'm not looking forward to seeing everything down on paper, but.....in a way, I AM looking forward to it, BECAUSE it will be all down on paper.  It will kind of get it all out of my head, at least temporarily.  And I think that might be a really good thing for me, cause it feels like all I've been focused on these past two weeks is the losses themselves.  Not knowing yet how to go about moving past them, it's easy to just focus on the loss itself.  I will be very happy when the healing can really begin.

blargggg

Accidently deleted a blog post on here, thought it was only in the draft section, deleted it, and then poof! Gone.

Darn it, it was a good one too.

emotionally exhausted.....part 2

So.....it all continues.  I really do see the need for weekly therapy; I almost see the need for TWICE weekly therapy.  I'm having a hard time keeping my positivity through this week.

I know I'm only in the beginning part of the book I'm going over with my therapist, and I have not yet reached the part of actually working on recovery yet.  It's mostly been going over the losses that you've dealt with in your life, just mainly making you aware of them, showing that it's a normal thing, and that it's understandable that you probably haven't fully dealt with them yet.

It's really brought SO much up for me, every day it's something new.  Today, the concept of friends and family telling you to "trust in God, don't blame God, God won't give you more than you can handle" really makes me think.

I've dealt with my "crisis of faith" for awhile now.  Sure, I used to consider myself religious, I mean, I grew up as one of Jehovah's Witnesses.  However, my issues with my eating disorder and my divorce, and the lack of support from the congregation really messed up my head as far as religion goes.

Today, I DO consider myself spiritual.  But......it's mostly a state of mind; there's not really any kind of "practicing" involved.  I'm honestly not even sure where to start with it.

Also, the idea that grief is so often mistaken for depression, and alot of people ending up on depression medication really don't need it.  It does NOT make me want to go out and cut off all my medications, but it does certainly make me question why I feel like they just "stop working" after awhile.

I'm also struggling with the concept that people who constantly "put on a happy face", who really think they're in a kind of recovery, are in fact, not in recovery at all.  So I'm wondering, for those couple of years I considered myself in recovery from my eating disorder, was I?  Or was I just putting on my "happy face" for all those around me, and denying my real problems?
To quote the book, " Many fall into a trap of quiet desperation - sometimes feeling good, sometimes feeling bad, but never being able to return to a state of full happiness and joy."  It makes me wonder;  I've been okay considering myself content with my life.  I've never really assumed that happiness is an option for me.  Why is that?  And what would actually make me happy?  SOOOO much to think about; thank goodness my session's in only two days.

emotionally exhausted

Well, I've now done 5 chapters of my workbook, and I have to admit, I'm learning alot, both about the recovery process and about myself.

I had to take a break yesterday from the book, just cause my mind was so overwhelmed with all of it.  Going back and rereading my last post about everything that's been going on in my head really shows me alot.

I've even gone through all my positive affirmation cards that I'm made over the years, and gotten a few out and put them where I can see them regularly.

I think that restarting my recovery process this time, it's not like I'm having second thoughts; I'm just realizing how much I really have to work on to be where I want to be in my life.

Of course, the fact that I'm not sleeping well at night does not help the cause.  Yeah, I'm getting about 8 hours of sleep a night, but the fact that I can take my sleeping meds as early at 7pm, and STILL be awake til 4am is getting beyond frustrating.

I know this is the hard part of recovering.  I know, just starting therapy, it's very easy to be positive after a session, but when that wears off, I know I can experience some definitely lows.

Yes, yes, I know it takes practice to stay positive on a daily basis.  I'm certainly looking forward to my next appt on Monday afternoon.

therapy today

My first session with my new therapist was amazing, to say the least.  I really feel like I clicked with her, and I'm seriously looking forward to working with her.

She wants me to NOT focus on the food, which I'm perfectly fine with.  She also wants me to start saying to myself, I do not have an eating disorder, I am not bulimic, I am a healthy, smart, beautiful woman.

That's SO hard for me to do, but I understand why she's having me do that.  I seem to be the queen of self-fulfilling prophecies, so what I think and say usually ends up happening.

She gave me a book called "The Grief Recovery Handbook."  It deals with grief over many issues, not just death, but grief over divorce, health, career, and faith.  We'll start working on the book, with some worksheets and homework included.

She also does EMDR.  It's honestly hard to explain what that is; but I had that kind of therapy when I went to Mirasol in 2004 and 2005, and had some amazing breakthroughs with it.  I kind of mixes guided meditations, along with "tapping", which helps to focus your body and mind on what's going on.  I always remember, I was always so surprised at what came up during my EDMR sessions at Mirasol.  It was exhausting work, but VERY worthwhile.

I am extremely excited.  She really wants me to start looking ahead, at a positive and fulfilling future with Mike, as opposed to the past, which is so easy to dwell on.  She also has me keeping an eye on certain words and phrases that I use, making sure to keep them positive.

There's alot of work ahead, but after today, I FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.

nervous about tomorrow

I finally get to meet my new therapist tomorrow and have my free consultation with her, so we can see if we're a good fit.
I'm definitely nervous, probably cause I know this means it's time to give up my purging, and in a very weird way, it's been an odd kind of solace to me lately.
I'm also nervous cause I think I'm putting alot of pressure on myself with this therapy.  It's been years and years since I've been to any therapist who knows anything about eating disorders.  I've got alot riding on all of this working out for the best.
Oh well, just hope I can get SOME sleep tonight, at least.