Well, this is the fresh start of my new blog. This kind of goes hand in hand with a fresh start at my recovery in general.
I've really let things go in my life over the past few months, in many different ways. Too many slips have happened in my eating disorder, and my depression and anxiety have gone to levels that are simply unrecognizable to me. Also, severe insomnia is robbing me of quality time during the day.
On this coming Monday afternoon, I have a free consultation with a new therapist, one who actually knows something about eating disorders. I'm very excited, but also starting to get very nervous at the same time. Knowing it's time to let go of my "security blanket" of purging is kind of traumatizing, in a way.
But I know it's time. My life seems to kind of be on hold, in alot of ways. There's so much that I want to do and accomplish, and my conditions just seem to stand in my way so often.
There's a big possibility that I'll get approved for disability here in the next few months. We could really do alot with that money if that were to happen. We could finally move, we could have our wedding that we want, things could actually start to move forward.
I need to make this happen. I'm not going to go on and on with the "shoulds", and if I slip, which I know will inevitably happen, I will acknowledge that it's simply part of recovery.
So this is the beginning......
You have classic hypothyroid symptoms,I binged to cope with fatigue, because sweets gave me energy temporarily). Have you also struggled with weight for awhile? How are your fingernails and hair? Hypothyroid people tend to get problems with one or the other (I had great hair but awful fingernails which are slowly improving after several months of an effective T3 dose.) How about your eyebrows ... have you lost hair there? How's your LDL (cholesterol reading), which can be high for hypothyroid? How's your pulse, body temperature? Do you get 'brain fog' occasionally? If you have any or all of those symptoms, insist that your doc run a thyroid hormone panel (blood test) on you. Include free t3, free t4, TSH, and TPOab (Hashimoto's antibodies. Don't settle for just testing TSH or just T4. Those aren't enough to catch hypothyroidism. In my opinion everyone with an 'eating disorder' should be tested for hypothyroidism, celiac disease and food allergies, but that would put a lot of therapists out of business. I believe there are real medical reasons for starving, bingeing and purging. Physicals symptoms need physical treatment, not psychotherapy.
ReplyDeleteI was tested for it about a year ago, and they said it wasn't an issue.
ReplyDeleteI have HUGE problems with weight, had lost about 30 pounds, had to quit my gym and my trainer, and have gained about 10 pounds back this past month.
Yes, I actually do have all those symptoms. The "brain fog" has gotten extremely worse lately too. So has my insomnia. I can't seem to get to sleep until about 4am every single night, no matter what I take, what time I get up, or what time I go to bed.
I see my psych doc about my antidepressants and sleeping meds on 2/11, but I'm not due to see my medical doctor til April. Maybe I should get in touch with her sooner, to get this checked out.
I do finally get to have my first meeting with my new therapist tomorrow, I'm excited, but nervous about it.
However, my purging has gotten really bad in the last few months, so I know I need to take some action.
Thanks for replying, and for all your suggestions.
Who said thyroid problems weren't an issue for you? On what did they base that conclusion? Did they only test TSH? What was their 'normal' range? If they used the pre2003 range, which is too wide and misses many people with hypothyroid results, you could still have a TSH which indicates hypothyroid. However, you could still have hypothyroid, esp. Hashimoto's, with normal TSH. So they need to text your free T3 and free T4. Those are actual thyroid hormones, but the free T3 is the only hormone that works in the cells to speed up metabolism and resolve your symptoms. TSH is 'thyroid stimulating hormone' which is actually produced by the pituitaty gland to stimulate production of thyroid hormones. It works inversely to the main thyroid hormones. However TSH tests don't indicate whether the T3 is getting into the cells or being converted to Reverse T3. Neither does TSH indicate whether t4 is converted to enough t3 to maintain normal metabolic processes. Tell your doc that you want a full panel of thyroid hormone tests, not just TSH.
ReplyDeleteMy doctor, when I first started seeing her in 2011. She did, I assume, a basic thyroid panel, and said it wasn't an issue.
ReplyDeleteI do have the brain fog issue, and lately, high cholesterol.
Always tired, gaining weight, not being able to sleep.
I always wondered if it was an issue, I'll definitely get in touch with my doctor soon.
Thanks, Sue, so much.
I wouldn't assume you had a full thyroid panel done. Most docs just measure TSH. Good docs also measure T4, which still may not be enough. After 3 months on a T4 supplement which did not alleviate my symptoms, I had to ask my doc for a free t3 and TPOab test (for Hashimoto's antibodies).
ReplyDeleteMy husband had the brain fog symptoms and relied on caffeine to get through the day. Then he wouldn't sleep well at night. He's now on Naturethroid (a natural t3/t4 supplement) and doing much better.
I also wanted to add that my bingeing/purging didn't automatically disappear after my thryoid supplements eliminated my other symptoms. The purging chapter in the Appetite Awareness chapter helped somewhat. However her reasons for not purging didn't really persuade me. I coulc stop bingeing for long periods (6-9 monts).
However, once I decided I wanted to binge, knowing I could purge motivated me to binge. I even did that a few times last year, esp. with all the Christmas goodies available. I wasn't worrying about weight, but I felt guilty for eating the cookies I baked for both my husband and I. Guilt was usually my trigger to say 'oh what the heck' after eating a few cookies, rather than just one after a meal.
I actually had to find reasons to not purge, which were meaningful to me. Those theoretical reasons (for not purging) in "Appetite Awareness" never worked for me long term. I had to get really honest and observe how I felt for 24 hours, 3 days and even a week after purging. I realized purging increased heartburn dramatically for me. I normally have to take digestive supplements of HCl because my stomach doesn't produce enough acid.
Heartburn is not caused by too much stomach acid. Many people have insufficient amounts.However when the lower esophageal valve opens at inappropriate times (not when swallowing) acid oozes up the esophagus. Certain foods and beverages, caffeine, chocolate, onions, peppermint, and many drugs relax the LES. I can eat all those foods and not get heartburn if I haven't purged for a long while.
However, I observed that I refluxed much more after a purging session, when I ate later meals 6 hours, 12 hours and even a week later. So throwing up repeatedly relaxed my LES for almost a week afterwards. Also purging damaged my teeth over the years. I've had crowns, veneers, etc. put on many teeth. Also my jawline (sides of my chin) swell up and make me look like I have 'jowls' for up to a week after purging.
When I honestly recall the side effects of purging (reflux, jowls, and teeth erosion),I just decide to overeat, but not really binge so that I don't feel tempted to purge, when I overeat and feel guilty. That thought worked better for me than anything I've ever heard or read to stop purging.
Yeah, the "Appetite Awareness" workbook didnt do much for me either. Just got home from my 1st therapist appt; will post more on that in a while.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying "Appetite Awareness" was completely worthless. The chapters about stopping at moderate fulless, preventing binges and even the purging chapter helped for awhile. I'm just saying I needed ro recognize my own reasons for wanting to stop all that, rather than letting a book or therapist tell me why I should eat normally. I suspect we all have to find our own reasons why we continue a bad habit and why we want to stop. Maybe we don't stop until we find a good enough reason to replace the behavior with a different behavior.
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't believe it was totally worthless. I'm just realizing, esp with my therapy appt today, that my food is REALLY NOT the issue. It's all the underlying things that have happened that I've never addressed. It's almost a relief to not think about the food all the time.
ReplyDeleteSo your therapy appt. went well? Did she have a different approach (from therapists you've previously seen)? If food is not really the issue, did she have ideas about how you came to use food to cope with those issues? Food is a big issue for me, because I have celiac disease, 6 other food allergies and a history of gastrointestinal problems. I always wonder how people go from normal eating as a child to 'disordered' eating during their teens or early adulthood ...
ReplyDeleteToday was mostly an introduction. She gave me a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook, with some worksheets to do along with it.
ReplyDeleteShe also does EMDR, don't know if you're familiar with it, but I experienced it when I went to my treatment center, and had some major breakthroughs with it, so I'm very excited about that.
I googled EDMR. Sounds like it takes a long time. Hope you have good health insurance coverage for therapy. Good luck with your new therapist. BTW Did you have some recent deaths in the family or other losses? Why "Grief Recovery"?
ReplyDeleteIt can take a long time, however I had great results with it after just a few sessions when I went to the treatment center, so I'm very hopeful this time around.
ReplyDeleteNo, not deaths, per se, but having a hard time dealing with the divorce, the loss of my brother's friendship, the loss of most of my childhood by being my mom's best friends my whole life, and being sheltered so much growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, definite loss of faith there.
It's a book she works with all her clients with; if I read it and it doesn't speak to me, we don't have to use it. But I've always understood the concept of not dealing with grief over things you've lost in life, and I know that's an issue for me.
She's also doing it for $30 a session, as opposed to her normal fee, because of our financial situation.