therapy today

My first session with my new therapist was amazing, to say the least.  I really feel like I clicked with her, and I'm seriously looking forward to working with her.

She wants me to NOT focus on the food, which I'm perfectly fine with.  She also wants me to start saying to myself, I do not have an eating disorder, I am not bulimic, I am a healthy, smart, beautiful woman.

That's SO hard for me to do, but I understand why she's having me do that.  I seem to be the queen of self-fulfilling prophecies, so what I think and say usually ends up happening.

She gave me a book called "The Grief Recovery Handbook."  It deals with grief over many issues, not just death, but grief over divorce, health, career, and faith.  We'll start working on the book, with some worksheets and homework included.

She also does EMDR.  It's honestly hard to explain what that is; but I had that kind of therapy when I went to Mirasol in 2004 and 2005, and had some amazing breakthroughs with it.  I kind of mixes guided meditations, along with "tapping", which helps to focus your body and mind on what's going on.  I always remember, I was always so surprised at what came up during my EDMR sessions at Mirasol.  It was exhausting work, but VERY worthwhile.

I am extremely excited.  She really wants me to start looking ahead, at a positive and fulfilling future with Mike, as opposed to the past, which is so easy to dwell on.  She also has me keeping an eye on certain words and phrases that I use, making sure to keep them positive.

There's alot of work ahead, but after today, I FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.

nervous about tomorrow

I finally get to meet my new therapist tomorrow and have my free consultation with her, so we can see if we're a good fit.
I'm definitely nervous, probably cause I know this means it's time to give up my purging, and in a very weird way, it's been an odd kind of solace to me lately.
I'm also nervous cause I think I'm putting alot of pressure on myself with this therapy.  It's been years and years since I've been to any therapist who knows anything about eating disorders.  I've got alot riding on all of this working out for the best.
Oh well, just hope I can get SOME sleep tonight, at least.

the beginning.....

Well, this is the fresh start of my new blog.  This kind of goes hand in hand with a fresh start at my recovery in general.

I've really let things go in my life over the past few months, in many different ways.  Too many slips have happened in my eating disorder, and my depression and anxiety have gone to levels that are simply unrecognizable to me.  Also, severe insomnia is robbing me of quality time during the day.

On this coming Monday afternoon, I have a free consultation with a new therapist, one who actually knows something about eating disorders.  I'm very excited, but also starting to get very nervous at the same time.  Knowing it's time to let go of my "security blanket" of purging is kind of traumatizing, in a way.

But I know it's time.  My life seems to kind of be on hold, in alot of ways.  There's so much that I want to do and accomplish, and my conditions just seem to stand in my way so often.

There's a big possibility that I'll get approved for disability here in the next few months.  We could really do alot with that money if that were to happen.  We could finally move, we could have our wedding that we want, things could actually start to move forward.

I need to make this happen.  I'm not going to go on and on with the "shoulds", and if I slip, which I know will inevitably happen, I will acknowledge that it's simply part of recovery.

So this is the beginning......