So.....it all continues. I really do see the need for weekly therapy; I almost see the need for TWICE weekly therapy. I'm having a hard time keeping my positivity through this week.
I know I'm only in the beginning part of the book I'm going over with my therapist, and I have not yet reached the part of actually working on recovery yet. It's mostly been going over the losses that you've dealt with in your life, just mainly making you aware of them, showing that it's a normal thing, and that it's understandable that you probably haven't fully dealt with them yet.
It's really brought SO much up for me, every day it's something new. Today, the concept of friends and family telling you to "trust in God, don't blame God, God won't give you more than you can handle" really makes me think.
I've dealt with my "crisis of faith" for awhile now. Sure, I used to consider myself religious, I mean, I grew up as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. However, my issues with my eating disorder and my divorce, and the lack of support from the congregation really messed up my head as far as religion goes.
Today, I DO consider myself spiritual. But......it's mostly a state of mind; there's not really any kind of "practicing" involved. I'm honestly not even sure where to start with it.
Also, the idea that grief is so often mistaken for depression, and alot of people ending up on depression medication really don't need it. It does NOT make me want to go out and cut off all my medications, but it does certainly make me question why I feel like they just "stop working" after awhile.
I'm also struggling with the concept that people who constantly "put on a happy face", who really think they're in a kind of recovery, are in fact, not in recovery at all. So I'm wondering, for those couple of years I considered myself in recovery from my eating disorder, was I? Or was I just putting on my "happy face" for all those around me, and denying my real problems?
To quote the book, " Many fall into a trap of quiet desperation - sometimes feeling good, sometimes feeling bad, but never being able to return to a state of full happiness and joy." It makes me wonder; I've been okay considering myself content with my life. I've never really assumed that happiness is an option for me. Why is that? And what would actually make me happy? SOOOO much to think about; thank goodness my session's in only two days.
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