Well.....I'm not even sure where to start.
Went through SO much this past weekend, listing all of my losses throughout the years, for my loss graph project for therapy. I have my final list done, and will work on actually putting it all in graph form this week. It was just so much for me, I had to stop for a few days.
When I got to listing them, they REALLY started coming out. Things I hadn't thought about for years, such as living in Shenandoah with my ex's family when I was 23, or my first love, kiss, and broken heart all in one at age 16. They all really seem like so long ago, but when I was writing the details down, it was amazing how clearly in my head it all was.
So Thursday and Friday were really rough days when I did that. In the process, I was looking through some scrapbooks to job my memory, and a piece of paper fell out of one. On it, in Jeremy's calligraphy, was his pet name for me, "baby doll." As soon as I saw it, my chest literally tightened up, and the tears came with no notice.
So here's the interesting part: yes, those two days were rough. In all of this, I'm not focusing on the food or my feelings about food AT ALL. I'm only dealing with emotions surrounding my losses and my grief from those losses.
So Saturday came, and went. And Sunday came, and was almost over, when I realized I hadn't purged in a day and a half, hadn't even thought about it. I mean, WOW.
I'm not going to overanalyze it or even somewhat analyze it. I'll let my therapist do that for me tomorrow. I just find it amazing that it felt so automatic to not only not think about the food, but not even consider throwing up for that long. Definitely a first. Will be interested to see what Susan says tomorrow.
Do you believe you've suffered more losses than the average person? Or do you think you just don't handle losses well? I wonder how your therapist will use your loss graph ... Keep posting your insights. Sounds like you're learing lots!
ReplyDeleteMore losses, yes and no. I've never actually lost anyone to death, unlike most people; I'd had people in my far off family die, but never anyone I've been close to.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I DID realize that I've moved 14 times in the last 18 years, which can't do well for me feeling stable.
Also, most of my other losses include "losing a person", just not to death.
I'll read her the list tomorrow, and then make my graph this week, and go from there.
I can relate to frequent moves. My father was in the Air Force and my first husband did military duty. By the time I was 26 years old, I had lived in 26 different places. Then I settled in one house for awhile before I moved again 4 more times. I haven't changed residences for the past 15 years. I'm more emotioinally stable now, too.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to ask you some questions about purging, because you're the only person, besides me, whom I know has a long purgin history. I'll email those questions, rather than post here.